A blog about my life experiences and what they have taught me
Sometimes I’m compassionate. Sometimes I’m judgemental.
Sometimes I’m patient. Sometimes I’m not.
Sometimes I’m insightful. Sometimes I’m short-sighted.
Sometimes I’m vulnerable. Sometimes I’m guarded and playing a role.
Sometimes I’m playful. Sometimes I’m way too serious.
Sometimes I’m peaceful. Sometimes I’m stressed.
Most always I’m trying my best but my best looks different, everyday.
I’m imperfect and I’m enough.
You’re imperfect and you’re enough.
Love, Wade.
4/28/18
Stream of consciousness, as I remember it…
Two years old, Michael Jacksonʻs “The Making of Thriller,” on VHS. Ran into the kitchen to hide when he became the werewolf, ran back when it was time to dance. Everyday. Obsessed.
On my stomach, on the carpet, Fruit Loops in a bowl, Salt-N-Pepaʻs “Push it” music video on MTV. Glorious.
Fisher-Price kids record player, “Thiller” album on repeat.
Hours alone in the living room, itʻs dark, the carpetʻs green, Iʻm facing the TV copying dance moves from music videos. Heaven.
Five years old, hours of dance rehearsal at the Johnny Young Talent School in Brisbane. I didnʻt love being choreographed. I had my own ideas.
Dressed head to toe in MJ gear, hot Brisbane days, front of our driveway dancing my heart out, drenched in sweat, just waiting for a car to drive by. Painfully quiet street.
Won a dance contest, prize was to meet Michael Jackson. Wildest dream come true. Met him, a couple nights later Iʻm on stage with him and Stevie Wonder in front of tens of thousands of people. Downstage center, throw my hat off, letʻs do this!
On top of the world because when Mom picked me up from school she handed me a new record she bought for me. Ravenous for music.
Birthdays backstage.
Seven years old, first time to Los Angeles. OMG, head over heels in love. Met MJ again, Neverland, Dance, Inspiration, Sexual Abuse. You know that story…If you donʻt and your curious, go back after and click here, here, and here.
Music and movement interests begin to expand beyond MJ: Bobby Brown, Tony Terry, M.C. Hammer, Bel Biv Divoe, Johnny Gil, Snap and G.U.Y.
Nine years old, Mom, Sis + I move to LA. Weekly training with street dance legends Pop-N-Taco, Popnʻ Pete, and Boogaloo Shrimp. Invigorated by the movement knowledge.
Dancing professionally in LA. Commercials, music videos, live shows. Iʻm the 10 year old kid at the 18 and over auditions.
Hip Hop music and movement blows up my world. Heavy D, LL Cool J, E.P.M.D., Naughty By Nature and A Tribe Called Quest.
10 years old, working on a solo rap record. Drenched in hip-hop culture.
11 years old, joined a rap dup called Quo. Weʻre signed to MJJ Records. Weʻre produced by the likes of Teddy Riley, Redman and Eric Sermon. Dream to write and produce music is officially sparked.
12 years old, MJ sends me some recording equipment. Piano lessons happen. All hours of the day and night, Iʻm in my little studio making music. Canʻt get enough. For the music gear heads, MPCII + 3000, Korg Trinity, Emulator III, Adats, etc.
I start teaching 6 dance classes a week. In class, time slips away, music and movement takes possession. I love teaching and seem to have a knack for it.
Music interests expand; Prince, Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder, Bjork, Tori Amos, James Brown, Ani Difranco, Beatles, John Williams, Danny Elfman, Bernard Herman, Alex North and on and on.
Creating edits, remixes and original music for my dance classes. Harder to decipher which one comes first, the music or the movement. They have become one.
14 years old, choreographing music videos, commercials and live shows, music editing, remixing and original compositions to accompany the movement.
16 years old, Britney Spears, *NSync, choreography, music, stage direction. Big break.
Writing and producing album music for Britney Spears, *NSync and others. Love being in the studio writing music and geeking out for hours on the arrangement and technical aspects of music production.
More and more pressure and expectation builds in my career. My love affair with dance: on the rocks. Fun is slipping away. Stakes are high.
19 years old, I quit Choreography and Stage Direction, “been there, done that,” to focus on Film Directing.
Writing and producing music continues. I get a big music publishing deal. Pressure feels stronger than ever to deliver. Fun is slipping away and taking productivity with it.
20 years old, MTVʻs “The Wade Robson Project.” Dance is back in my life. Some moments of fun but ultimately stained by the superficial desire for fame.
21 years old, I quit dance again to focus on Film Directing. Love/Hate relationship continues.
23 years old, join the second season of So You Think You Can Dance. Feeling experimental + playful. First piece out the gate wins an Emmy. Gift/Curse.
5 year resurgence of choreography career. Another Emmy. Music creation here and there. Music and movement interest expansion. Starts out fun. Pressure builds. Less and less play. Career peaks. Anxiety peeks.
About to Direct my first feature film. Son born. Two nervous breakdowns. Disclosure of MJ abuse. Bury dance, music and film. Disappear to most isolated land mass on the planet.
Music repertoire shrinks for a while to the only kind that makes me feel safe and good, Bob Marley and Jack Johnson. Dance is gone, forever I think.
Meditation. Therapy. Reading. Nature. Family. Hawai’i.
Music interests are the first thing to begin to unravel. I am reborn as a fan and student once more. Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, classical East Indian, Tom Waits, Ennio Morricone, Philip Glass and Miles Davis. I pick up the guitar, start writing songs again.
Film creation comes back in a whole new way.
2017…DANCE…oh dance, comes back. We fall in love like never before. We play. We share. We remember. The music and movement runs deeper in me than it ever has. My gratitude knows no bounds.
They never left. Theyʻve always been there for me. An infinite, condition-less gift. It was me that had to find my way home.
Sometimes you have to experience who you are not, in order to know who you are.
Wishing you music, movement, health, love and the revelation of your fulfillment.
Love, Wade.
4/21/18
From teenage-hood through my twenties, I woke up nearly every morning with a nervous, anxious mass of energy in my stomach. This was accompanied by a feeling that I was already late, that somebody out there was already doing something impressive before me and better than me. I was possessed by the need to be first and best. The motivating belief was that there was only so much time and so much room for true greatness (read external success, validation and material acquisition), so if I wanted it, I needed to hurry up! Therefore, when a peer experienced an external success, it was often very hard for me to be truly happy for them, to celebrate them because in my mind their success meant my failure, my laziness and my forever missed opportunity.
This was a painful existence and ultimately stemmed from an egoic belief that I was not enough; that I was not worthy. This belief was created and compounded by mentor and societal teachings such as, “Be the best or nothing at all because life is a competition and survival of the fittest.” After my nervous breakdowns, beginning my healing process and finding Vedic Meditation, I began to come to the realization that these “teachings” were merely stories that us humans made up and bought into, stories that were created in the first place from a deep feeling of unworthiness, lack and scarcity. Stories that we can now choose to opt out of and make up new ones that better reflect our actual present experience, and/or how we want to feel and our dreams of how we wish for life to be. Stories that make us feel worthy, loved, empowered, connected, loving, enthusiastic and peaceful.
The vast and magnificent flat ocean is accentuated by rising and falling waves. Yes, waves behave differently than the flat ocean but that does not make them non-ocean. They are not connected to the ocean; there are no screws: they ARE ocean, in motion. Do the other waves protest, complain and feel less than when one wave rises up? Of course not because there is a knowingness of reciprocal flow going on. Because that wave has risen, the next wave is able to rise and the next: ad infinitum.
Our consciousness is like the ocean and our human life is like a wave. That human over there is not actually separate from me; She and I came from and are made up of the same stuff: consciousness. Because she rises, so can I, because I rise, so can you, and so on. There is infinite space for each and every one of us and we each have our own individual timeline. So optimally we exult, celebrate and praise when our fellow wave rises and we surround, support and lift up when our fellow wave falls; as we are all a part of the one, infinite, glorious ocean rising and falling: perpetually in motion. So ultimately, when she rises, we all rise and when she falls, we all fall.
Abundance in all its forms is our birthright and its source, our source, is inexhaustible.
Letʻs try to release our poverty consciousness because:
Letʻs try to relax, slow down, meditate, tune into our deepest desires that were implanted there by the universe and then unhesitatingly take action, knowing that we are undulating ocean whoʻs rise, fall and rise again is guaranteed in the design and is supported and organized by the infinite intelligence of the vast, omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient oceanic consciousness.
Summary of the story: as Bruddah Bob put it, “Every little thing, is gonna be all right.”
Wishing you peace, enthusiasm, motion and holistic abundance.
Love, Wade.
4/14/18
Over the last several months, the Universe has made it clear to me that FORGIVENESS is the next big chapter in my healing journey. I received the questions, “Who have you not forgiven? How is this resentment blocking you from living the life you want to live?” This was clear for me so I began to try and move toward that forgiveness for two key people in my life. But I kept hitting a wall. I felt that my heart was absolutely ready to forgive but I couldnʻt quite make the leap for some reason; some intellectual, ego, fear blockage, I thought.
With the help of my therapist I received the revelation, ITʻS ME, Iʻm the wall, Iʻm the one I havenʻt forgiven. I canʻt forgive anyone else until I forgive myself. I canʻt give anyone anything that I do not have. Can I forgive myself for not being able to tell the truth about Michael Jacksonʻs abuse earlier than I did? If I could have, maybe I could have prevented Michael from abusing other kids. Can I forgive myself for choosing Michael over my Father? Can I forgive myself for, in certain moments, not living up to my own standards as a Husband and a Father?
I keep coming back to, if my son made the mistakes that I have made, how would I feel towards him, what would I say? I know that I would be infinitely more forgiving, understanding, compassionate and loving towards him than I am towards myself. Is that fair? What would it be like if I treated myself like my son, like someone I love, like someone I know has a beautiful heart and is human, makes mistakes, tries to learn from them, tries to do better the next time, never wants to hurt anyone, but sometimes does, unintentionally? As Dr. Maya Angelou said, “If I would have known better, I would have done better.” This grand adventure lies ahead.
What have you not forgiven yourself for?
How is this resentment blocking you from living the life you want to live?
Who have you not forgiven?
How is this resentment blocking you from living the life you want to live?
What would life be like if you treated yourself like someone you loved?
Love, Wade.
4/6/18
Last night, something happened...
Read MoreUnderstandably, we humans would love for everything in our lives to go smoothly all the time. We tend to have this idea that we are going to put our heads down, grin and bear all the pain, challenges, ups and downs for a certain number of years until the day arrives when weʻve finally figured it all out, everything becomes a piece a cake and weʻll then coast peacefully and happily through the rest of our lives. We tend to feel as though hard times in our lives are a sign of something gone wrong, that they are something that should not be happening and need to be removed as quickly as possible.
But if we look back on a “hard” or “bad” time in our life, I believe that most of the time, if we are honest with ourselves, we can actually feel grateful that it occurred. Because if it hadnʻt, we wouldnʻt have learned this or that, or we wouldnʻt have met so and so, or we wouldnʻt have landed into a certain circumstance that turned out to be really good for us.
In my own life, seven years of child sexual abuse and 22 years of silence about it eventually led to two terrifying nervous breakdowns, an awakening, the revelation of a path towards an infinitely more fulfilling life and a deeper understanding of myself and humanity. Periods of stressful financial scarcity led to a deeper reverence for, understanding of, and relationship with the positive role finances can play in oneʻs life and purpose. Finally, years of painful association with and aversion towards dance tilled the soil and created a foundation from which a rebirth of dance in my heart, mind and body could occur, redefining my purpose, yet again.
There is a lot of simultaneity here: the above experiences of mine were painful, stressful, and damaging as well as enlightening, instructive and evolutionary. I think we make it harder on ourselves when we try to label our experiences solely as this or that. I have found that my experiences are most often this, that and the other simultaneously and that taking this perspective on them allows me to grow from them profoundly and exponentially, whether they were pleasurable or painful in the moment.
If we do the work of researching our past “hard” or “bad” life experiences and discovering all the good that actually came from them, it can give us the knowledge, evidence and confidence to boldly know and declare, in the midst of a current painful experience, “At some point, I will be grateful for this experience because I will understand that it helped me to grow.” This does not mean that the current experience will necessarily completely cease to be painful or hard, but I have found that it can make it, at the very least, much more manageable, as it can lessen, if not erase, the crippling feeling of victimhood.
When we put ourselves in the stratum of gratitude, we put ourselves in the powerful position of choice. We may not be consciously choosing to experience the current painful situation, but we can consciously choose to listen to why the pain or challenge has arrived in our lives, and ask, what is it here to teach us? I have found that every experience arrives with the gift of a priceless teachable moment. This knowingness gives us the capability to engage in a partnership with life rather than feeling as though we are being controlled by some supernatural dictator with a bad attitude, “Why is the Universe and/or God against me?” This could not be further from the truth.
365 days a year, 24 hours a day, there is actually only one thing gong on, EVOLUTION: progressive change from one state to another. Sometimes itʻs joyful, sometimes itʻs painful, but itʻs always evolutionary. So the next time a challenging, sad, painful, or scary experience arrives, try to stop, look and listen to what it is hear to teach you about where you are, what it is time for you to let go of, what it is time for you to gain and where it is time for you to go. And if youʻre charmed, try uttering something like, “Thank you for this experience and for the greater one it is carrying me to.”
Wishing you health, love and the revelation of your fulfillment.
Love, Wade.
3/23/18
Dear readers, more talks that have carried and inspired me. Enjoy!
Love + Aloha, Wade Robson.
3.16.18
Dear readers, sorry for the one day delay. Here are three talks that have made a massive impact in my life. I hope you enjoy them.
Wishing you health, love and the revelation of your fulfillment.
Love, Wade.
3.10.18
She grew, birthed and raised me. She re-designed her life and fused it with mine. The best she knew how, she tried to give me everything I ever dreamed of. She did many things right, she made many mistakes, the least of which being that with the intention of exulting me, she unknowingly ushered me into the arms of a predator. Things got complicated between us. I moved far away. The distance has enabled us to begin to grow closer again. She is human, she loved and loves me deeply. I love you, Mom.
Iʻll never forget him being barely able to make it to the punch line of his jokes because he couldnʻt stop laughing in anticipation of it. He worked hard, he loved hard, he suffered, danced, laughed, forgave, crumbled, got back up and kept trying. Then he got tired and he left. From close range, from half-way across the world, and from somewhere before, after and beyond this earth, he has given me gifts of immeasurable value. He has shown me, by example, what it means to be a man of integrity, vulnerability and heart. And for the most unforeseen of his powers, he has shown me how to dance from my heart again. Beyond space and time, Dad, I love you.
From the beginning, she was an emotional force to be reckoned with. Never afraid to tell me what she saw, thought and felt, she has kept me honest many times. Whenever I or anyone she loves is in need, she is instantly there to help and never asks for anything in return. Her capacity to feel, give, hurt, and love is beyond compare. Mine and many peoples lives are infinitely richer because she is a part of it. My sister, I love you.
Our relationship has been permeated by distance, both in time and in geography. I have always looked up to him. I have, for as long as I can remember, told stories of him as if he was a mysterious and irresistible character floating through the great novels of my mind. I have longed for closeness with him, both in times of near and far physical proximity. I learn immensely from his patience, reserve, choice communications, humor, practicality, mystery, deep sense of loyalty and love. My big brother, I love you.
As a young boy, I was unknowingly looking for something I was not getting, and there he was. He became like a Father to me. One of the aspects of my life that was rapidly disappearing was play, and he did his absolute best to give that back to me; drives to nowhere with amazing music blaring, pizza dates, movies, basketball, cooking, art and the list goes on. As no role models are, he was not perfect; his deep love for me sometimes made him go too far, but now as a Father myself, I understand. “Whether you are a famous entertainer, a garbage man, or the President, does not matter to me, I will love you the same,” he told me many times. This has and always will stay with me. Thank you Boobie, I love you.
I was as if a young man in the desert, unknowingly dying of thirst, until suddenly, there she was like a tall, cool, glass of water; my awareness rapidly awakened as to my extreme dehydration. I grasped and drank her in, soothing my cooked heart and mind. I was quite emotionally repressed when we met and I marveled at her emotional lucidity. No matter the circumstance, she always seemed to have such clarity as to how she felt, why she felt that way and was always able to articulate it unhesitatingly and eloquently. She became a teacher for me, the likes of which I had never before or have since experienced.
Through up, down, left and right she has carried me with the strength of a mythical hero. 15 years later, she remains as clear, refreshing and cleansing as ever, as if emanating from a heavenly source which never dries up. I will forever be in awe of her strength, vulnerability, honesty, courage, creativity, generosity, deep knowingness and capacity for love.
My best friend, my wife, the Mother of our child, the love of my life, infinitely, I love you.
His divine and timely appearance on this earth is unparralelled. My wife unlocked a door through which I could find a new healthier way of life; he kicked it wide open and catapulted me through it. He is the most reflective surface I have ever come upon; everything I have ever wanted to and not wanted to know about myself and life, he has and continues to show me. My love for him knows no boundaries or conditions. My Guru, my son, I love you, Dada.
Through him, I was first introduced to what was to become one of my greatest gifts, dance. By the complicated grace of the universe, from opposite ends of the earth, we were physically brought together. I was enamored by, infatuated with and instantly in love with him. He inspired me, taught me, loved me in his twisted way, manipulated me and ultimately betrayed me; sexually abusing me as a child. Sometimes an important love is the one that breaks your heart; the one that opens your eyes to the sometimes cruel, contradictory and most often complicated truth of humanity and the world. Michael, I do not excuse or thank you for your abuse, but I am thankful for what it and the healing from it has taught me about myself, humanity and the world.
To you who are reading this, the lessons of love are infinitely deep. Jump in and pay attention.
Love, Wade.
3/2/18
My experiments with perfection.
Read MoreDear readers, below are a list of some of the books that have inspired, challenged, changed, motivated and saved me. Click the titles to be linked to the books on Amazon. Happy reading!
It is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. I usually read it once a year.
An absolute paradigm shift. A desperately needed one.
I find Brene Brownʻs communication style to be incredibly grounded, raw, funny, honest and relatable. Because of which, what she says resonates effortlessly, deeply and truly sustains its potency over time.
Early on in my first nervous breakdown, I went to the bookstore in search of help. I looked on the shelf and the first title I saw was, “When things fall apart.” “Thatʻll do,” I said to myself. What a life saving gift this book was and continues to be along with all of Pema Chodronʻs teachings. Pema makes Buddhist philosophies so relatable and the practices so practical. Whenever life feels like the title, I HIGHLY recommend picking this one up. I am not and you do not need to be a Buddhist to reap the benefits of this heart advice.
This book played an enormous role in my being able to allow dance back into my heart, mind and body after five years. Each successive paragraph takes another hook out of us that is holding us back from making the art that wants nothing more than to manifest through each and every one of us. Itʻs playful, humorous, raw, honest, simply profound and bombastically motivational. It helps to re-educate us to have fun! Itʻs a once a year read for me too.
“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few” The wisdom in this one quote speaks to the infinite power of this book.
Beautiful, inspiring, motivational and simplistically profound. A fantastic story filled with infinite wisdom.
Each page, each line is like pouring a warm soothing balm on a sensitive wound. The relevance of these 13th century thoughts and words for our lives today is absolutely remarkable. The poetry is dripping with beauty.
Page after page, the wisdom, beauty, honesty, and knowledge makes me weak and therefore, makes me strong. Absolutely glorious.
Experiencing the divine creative intelligence in both the Tao Te Ching and the thoughts of Ralph Waldo Emerson simultaneously and in compliment is an unparalleled experience. This is a book I go back to again and again. Open to any page, and that will be the page you need, today.
To witness the devotion to the divine inside of this manʻs incredible life story never ceases to humble and inspire me.
After years of spiritual confusion, irritation, fear and even apathy, this was the first spiritual book that ever drew me to it. It was my first entrance into what has become one of the greatest adventures of my life thus far; the revelation of my personal relationship with the divine. After this, I devoured the entire series.
An absolute life saver.
An open letter to those who hate me, filled with relations and curiosities.
Read MoreGenerational transference of stress.
Read MoreMy encounters with F.E.A.R.
Read MoreMy encounters with LISTENING.
Read MoreMy loss of, search for, finding of and becoming, Dad.
Read MoreFrom whatever is causing you stress, busyness, distraction...
For 1 Week, or 1 day, or 1 hour, or 20 minutes...
Then...
My search for fulfillment and happiness.
Read MoreDear Readers, the following is Part II of some of the incredible quotes that have carried me through the last five years.
The names following the quotes are links.
The following quote is often a powerful reminder whenever I find myself becoming rigid within any particular belief.
The following quotes have the capability to knock my internal control freak out of business and put me back on the road to joyful surrender.
For me the above quote reminds me to release speculation, meditate, locate charm, and perform spontaneous right action.
I find that us humans tend to unfortunately not make needed changes until the pain becomes so unbearable that we feel we no longer have a choice. Pain has softened me. Pain has humbled me. Pain has enabled me to know and feel joy.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed by the task ahead.
The first time I read the following quote, tears immediately fell from my eyes.
I think my reaction was a combination of fear that I did not possess, and hope that I could achieve the embodiment of self-fulfillment, I deeply wish for my son. I know I canʻt give him self-fulfillment, but I hope to be a good model.
To help snap me out of not paying attention.
The following quote helps to rid me of the fear of taking a new leap into the unknown. A reminder that 24/7, 365, there is nothing going on but evolution.
I was 8 years old. My Mother, Sister and I were days away from moving to Los Angeles, California from Brisbane, Australia. Amidst a nervous breakdown, my Dad took me aside in the kitchen, looked me in the eyes and repeated to me several times...
This quote came back into my consciousness early on in the healing process, post disclosing the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson. These words from my Father have mobilized me amidst many moments of paralyzing fear and imagined pressure.
I have such deep gratitude for the teachers that I have had access to. I hope some of these quotes benefit you as well in your journey to live your highest life.
Love, Wade.
December 15, 2017.
Part III of my healing journey from silence and depression, to finding my voice and expanding my light.
Read More
Wade Robson, based on his personal experience of external wins and internal losses, explores our personal definitions of WINNING and their implications.