DEPRESSION

There are of course many different forms and varying degrees of depression, and every individual reacts and responds to depression in their own unique way, requiring their own set of remedies. That being said, I will speak here based solely upon my own experience with depression and therefore do not claim to be an overall authority on depression’s cause, behavior or remedies, except for in my own experience. Maybe some of what I say will resonate with you and be of benefit. This is my hope. 

My earliest memories of experiencing what could be called depression would have been in my early teenage years. It’s more crystalized appearance seemed to coincide with my expanding external success in the entertainment business. A pattern of sorts started to develop, get the job, leap into a creative/productivity high, work like an absolute madman, battle with perfectionism, finish the job, then fall into a melancholy sadness until the next job. I didn’t have the diagnosis or word “depression” for what I was experiencing, but when I wasn’t working, I felt insignificant. I felt anxious as the clock was tick-tick-ticking and I wasn’t doing anything impressive, anything towards changing the entertainment industry and the world. I only felt that I was likable, lovable if I was working on something, and working on something big. If I was still, I wondered why anybody would love me? My mentor’s words rang in my head, “Be the best, or be nothing at all.”

The more external success, money, fame, awards, and perceived power I acquired, the pattern seemed to expand and exacerbate. Overtime, the depression ceased to remain in the in-between and began to creep inside of the creative and work experiences. Now there seemed to be nowhere that was safe. Even as my creative output continued to be praised and awarded, I felt like a fraud, like I wasn’t good enough and never would or could be, ultimately creating a vicious cycle of wanting praise so badly, yet upon receiving it, cursing it, for now I only had more to live up to that I didn’t believe I could. Nothing was ever enough: not enough success, fame, money, adulation, creativity, or productivity. 

Through those years, I continually tried to bury my depression and anxiety with work, success, money, stuff, women, alcohol, partying, etc, but none of it worked–at least not for long. This pattern perilously played out until it was significantly altered upon falling in love with my wife. Yet didn’t completely cease until the birth of my son catapulted me into two nervous breakdowns over the course of a year. The second of which led to me speaking of and dealing with, for the first time in my life, the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. This turned out to be a line in the sand: life before and life after disclosing the truth that I had been holding inside of me for 22 years. 

Early on in this healing process, I called my therapist and asked if he could prescribe me some medication for my depression and anxiety. I didn’t feel that I could handle it alone. He said that he could but wanted me to first understand that taking pills would not heal in any way what I was going through. He said that it may mask it for a period of time, and then when you stop taking the pills, all of your trauma and pain will be there where you left it, waiting for you. I decided not to take any medication. Again, this was a decision in relation to my own experience and needs, for others, medication may be the answer and it’s a discussion one should have with their doctor. Maybe it’s also in combination with other holistic treatments. Either way, I place absolutely no judgement upon whichever healing choices one makes.

This winding road of healing has led me to Yoga, extensive Therapy, daily Meditation, voluminous volumes of Spiritual Text, leaving the entertainment business, moving to the most isolated land mass on earth, speaking my truth to the world, changing my life and perspective on it completely and ultimately, healing my depression. 

I believe that all of us go through experiences in our lives that we have to survive and in order to survive them, we manifest armor to protect ourselves. That armor is absolutely relevant for a period of time but at some point that armor’s relevancy expires and begins to hinder us from living our full life. Because we were traumatized by what we survived, most of us understandably hold onto that armor with white knuckles even though some deep aspect of ourselves recognizes that it is no longer working the way that it used to. 

In my personal experience, the cause of depression can be multifaceted yes, but I believe there tends to be an original untreated source that holds the ultimate key to the release of one’s suffering. In my case, that original source was the experience of and hiding of my child sexual abuse by a man that I loved. Once I jumped into the healing of that with everything I had, my world began to change. 

I have found that the only way to the other side of the river, is through it. There are no shortcuts. We have to trench through the muck, for as long as it takes, in order to reach the dry sunny bank of our true-self. The good news is, no matter how long the trenching takes, that dry sunny bank of our true-self will lie in wait. It is not going anywhere.

On a cloudy day, the sun remains beaming above the clouds. 

The following is my personal recipe for the healing of my depression. Your recipe will of course be different, but maybe some of the ingredients will be the same. 

I wish you healing, health and love. 

In gratitude, love + aloha, Wade. 

12/6/19

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