Through my teens and twenties, no matter how impressive I may have seemed, how much praise, fame or money I received, I never felt like I was good enough. I felt like I was an imposter and that it was only a matter of time before I was found out. Found out for what? I didn’t know.

After disclosing the abuse that I experienced as a child and beginning my healing process, I realized that although I didn’t know it, I had been living under the tyranny of shame for a long time. I had some abstract sense that beneath all of the external shine, something about me, somewhere deep down, I was bad, I was weird, I was wrong.

Through my healing process, I realized that one aspect of it was that I had been ashamed of my seeming willing participation in my abuse and my desire as a child for it to keep happening. I came to understand that this desire was, in part, due to the attention and what I thought was “love”, the abuse awarded me from my abuser: this man that I loved.

Shame is heavy, dark, messy, confusing and painful.

Unbeknownst to me, that sense of shame had permeated every aspect of my life. One of the ways it showed up was my being so incredibly hard on myself: emotionally and mentally beating myself to a pulp, as I believed that nothing I ever did was good enough.

I discovered that often when great anger would arise in me, what was really beneath it, was shame. The anger was a defense mechanism, an attempt to numb and protect myself from the agony of shame. But of course, the anger would only lead to thoughts, words and actions which perpetuated more shame: a vicious cycle.

I love how Brene Brown speaks about the difference between guilt and shame: Guilt is, “I did something bad. Shame is, “I am bad.”

The pains and traumas of our lives leave stains that manifest in many ways, some of which as distorted beliefs about ourselves and the world. These stains cannot be removed by topical cleaning agents: deep cleaning is required. Gratefully, due to the miracles of daily meditation, therapy and mental correction, that shame is being destroyed and eradicated from my life. It has no home here anymore.

I fell into anger a couple of weeks ago. I said and did some things I’m proud of. I said and did some things I’m not proud of. I have some guilt for that, but I do not have shame. “I’m imperfect and I’m enough.”

We’re so much bigger than the worst thing we’ve ever thought, said or done. We’re so much bigger than the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.

Our body, emotions, thoughts and circumstances are a part of our human experience, but who we truly are, the consciousness that precedes, pervades and prevails the flesh, is infinite, untarnished, and always available to provide us with an inexhaustible source of healing and love.

Maybe some bad things have happened to you.

Maybe you’ve thought, said or done some bad things.

But at your core, you are not bad.

You are pure potential.

All of my love, Wade.