LET THE HARD TIMES ROLL

Understandably, we humans would love for everything in our lives to go smoothly all the time. We tend to have this idea that we are going to put our heads down, grin and bear all the pain, challenges, ups and downs for a certain number of years until the day arrives when weʻve finally figured it all out, everything becomes a piece of cake and weʻll then coast peacefully and happily through the rest of our lives. We tend to feel as though hard times in our lives are a sign of something gone wrong, that they are something that should not be happening and need to be removed as quickly as possible. 

But if we look back on a “hard” or “bad” time in our life, I believe that most of the time, if we are honest with ourselves, we can actually feel grateful that it occurred. Because if it hadnʻt, we wouldnʻt have learned this or that, or we wouldnʻt have met so and so, or we wouldnʻt have landed into a certain circumstance that turned out to be really good for us. 

In my own life, seven years of child sexual abuse and 22 years of silence about it eventually led to two terrifying nervous breakdowns, an awakening, the revelation of a path towards an infinitely more fulfilling life and a deeper understanding of myself and humanity. Periods of stressful financial scarcity led to a deeper reverence for, understanding of, and relationship with the positive role finances can play in oneʻs life and purpose. Finally, years of painful association with and aversion towards dance tilled the soil and created a foundation from which a rebirth of dance in my heart, mind and body could occur, redefining my purpose, yet again. 

There is a lot of simultaneity here: the above experiences of mine were painful, stressful, and damaging as well as enlightening, instructive and evolutionary. I think we make it harder on ourselves when we try to label our experiences solely as this or that. I have found that my experiences are most often this, that and the other simultaneously and that taking this perspective on them allows me to grow from them profoundly and exponentially, whether they were pleasurable or painful in the moment. 

If we do the work of researching our past “hard” or “bad” life experiences and discovering all the good that actually came from them, it can give us the knowledge, evidence and confidence to boldly know and declare, in the midst of a current painful experience, “At some point, I will be grateful for this experience because I will understand that it helped me to grow.” This does not mean that the current experience will necessarily completely cease to be painful or hard, but I have found that it can make it, at the very least, much more manageable, as it can lessen, if not erase, the crippling feeling of victimhood. 

When we put ourselves in the stratum of gratitude, we put ourselves in the powerful position of choice. We may not be consciously choosing to experience the current painful situation, but we can consciously choose to listen to why the pain or challenge has arrived in our lives, and ask, what is it here to teach us? I have found that every experience arrives with the gift of a priceless teachable moment. This knowingness gives us the capability to engage in a partnership with life rather than feeling as though we are being controlled by some supernatural dictator with a bad attitude, “Why is the Universe and/or God against me?” This could not be further from the truth. 

365 days a year, 24 hours a day, there is actually only one thing going on, EVOLUTION: progressive change from one state to another. Sometimes itʻs joyful, sometimes itʻs painful, but itʻs always evolutionary. So the next time a challenging, sad, painful, or scary experience arrives, try to stop, look and listen to what it is here to teach you about where you are, what it is time for you to let go of, what it is time for you to gain and where it is time for you to go. And if youʻre charmed, try uttering something like, “Thank you for this experience and for the greater one it is carrying me to.” 

Wishing you health, love and the revelation of your fulfillment. 

Love, Wade.

TALKS THAT HAVE CARRIED ME, Part II

Dear readers, more talks that have carried and inspired me. Enjoy!

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BROTHER DAVID STEINDL-RAST - WANT TO BE HAPPY? BE GRATEFUL

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GRAHAM HILL - LESS STUFF, MORE HAPPINESS

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JILL BOLTE TAYLOR - MY STROKE OF INSIGHT

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SIR KEN ROBINSON - DO SCHOOLS KILL CREATIVITY?

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ELIZABETH GILBERT - YOUR ELUSIVE CREATIVE GENIUS

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Love + Aloha, Wade Robson.

TALKS THAT HAVE CARRIED ME, Part I

Dear readers, sorry for the one-day delay. Here are three talks that have made a massive impact in my life. I hope you enjoy them. 

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Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

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Brené Brown: Listening to shame

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Andrew Solomon: How the worst moments in our lives make us who we are

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Wishing you health, love and the revelation of your fulfillment.

Love, Wade. 

LESSONS OF LOVE

She grew, birthed and raised me. She re-designed her life and fused it with mine. The best she knew how, she tried to give me everything I ever dreamed of. She did many things right; she made many mistakes, the least of which being that with the intention of exulting me, she unknowingly ushered me into the arms of a predator. Things got complicated between us. I moved far away. The distance has enabled us to begin to grow closer again. She is human; she loved and loves me deeply. I love you, Mom. 

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Iʻll never forget him being barely able to make it to the punch line of his jokes because he couldnʻt stop laughing in anticipation of it. He worked hard, he loved hard, he suffered, danced, laughed, forgave, crumbled, got back up and kept trying. Then he got tired and he left. From close range, from half-way across the world, and from somewhere before, after and beyond this earth, he has given me gifts of immeasurable value. He has shown me, by example, what it means to be a man of integrity, vulnerability and heart. And for the most unforeseen of his powers, he has shown me how to dance from my heart again. Beyond space and time, Dad, I love you.  

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From the beginning, she was an emotional force to be reckoned with. Never afraid to tell me what she saw, thought and felt, she has kept me honest many times. Whenever I or anyone she loves is in need, she is instantly there to help and never asks for anything in return. Her capacity to feel, give, hurt, and love is beyond compare. My life and many other people’s lives are infinitely richer because she is a part of them. My sister, I love you.

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Our relationship has been permeated by distance, both in time and in geography. I have always looked up to him. I have, for as long as I can remember, told stories of him as if he was a mysterious and irresistible character floating through the great novels of my mind. I have longed for closeness with him, both in times of near and far physical proximity. I learn immensely from his patience, reserve, choice communications, humor, practicality, mystery, deep sense of loyalty and love. My big brother, I love you.

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As a young boy, I was unknowingly looking for something I was not getting, and there he was. He became like a Father to me. One of the aspects of my life that was rapidly disappearing was play, and he did his absolute best to give that back to me; drives to nowhere with amazing music blaring, pizza dates, movies, basketball, cooking, art and the list goes on. As no role models are, he was not perfect; his deep love for me sometimes made him go too far, but now as a Father myself, I understand. “Whether you are a famous entertainer, a garbage man, or the President, does not matter to me, I will love you the same,” he told me many times. This has and always will stay with me. Thank you, Boobie, I love you. 

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I was as if a young man in the desert, unknowingly dying of thirst, until suddenly, there she was like a tall, cool glass of water; my awareness rapidly awakened as to my extreme dehydration. I grasped and drank her in, soothing my cooked heart and mind. I was quite emotionally repressed when we met and I marveled at her emotional lucidity. No matter the circumstance, she always seemed to have such clarity as to how she felt, why she felt that way and was always able to articulate it unhesitatingly and eloquently. She became a teacher for me, the likes of which I had never before or have since experienced. 

Through up, down, left and right, she has carried me with the strength of a mythical hero. 15 years later, she remains as clear, refreshing and cleansing as ever, as if emanating from a heavenly source which never dries up. I will forever be in awe of her strength, vulnerability, honesty, courage, creativity, generosity, deep knowingness and capacity for love.

My best friend, my wife, the Mother of our child, the love of my life, infinitely, I love you.

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His divine and timely appearance on this earth is unparalleled. My wife unlocked a door through which I could find a new, healthier way of life; he kicked it wide open and catapulted me through it. He is the most reflective surface I have ever come upon; everything I have ever wanted to and not wanted to know about myself and life, he has and continues to show me. My love for him knows no boundaries or conditions. My Guru, my son, I love you, Dada. 

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Through him, I was first introduced to what was to become one of my greatest gifts, dance. By the complicated grace of the universe, from opposite ends of the earth, we were physically brought together. I was enamored by, infatuated with and instantly in love with him. He inspired me, taught me, loved me in his twisted way, manipulated me and ultimately betrayed me, sexually abusing me as a child. Sometimes an important love is the one that breaks your heart; the one that opens your eyes to the sometimes cruel, contradictory and most often complicated truth of humanity and the world. Michael, I do not excuse or thank you for your abuse, but I am thankful for what it and the healing from it have taught me about myself, humanity and the world. 

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To you who are reading this, the lessons of love are infinitely deep. Jump in and pay attention. 

Love, Wade. 

PERFECTION

Ironically enough, I stared at this blank page for a good while before allowing myself to write anything that wasnʻt perfect!

If I follow the breadcrumbs of my perfectionist behavior back, I arrive at Michael Jackson telling me at seven years old to, “Be the best or be nothing at all.” Then forward to receiving an elementary school report card of all Aʻs except for one and being asked, “Why the B?” Then further forward to being about 9 years old, walking into commercial auditions fearing that, “If I donʻt get this job, we’re gonna run out of money and have to go back home.” The overall message I took in was, “You must be perfect.”

The more external success I experienced through my teens and twenties only exacerbated these beliefs. Distortedly, I felt as though each success was somehow a fluke and I needed to be more prepared and more perfect, if I was going to keep up the facade. What came along with this perfection trajectory, compiled with the hiding of Michaelʻs abuse, was more and more seriousness, and less and less patience, experimentation, play and fun. One of my past survival tactics was to turn my insecure feeling of being different from others into a belief that I wasnʻt just different; I was better. This allowed me to turn my victim experience of feeling separate into a separation experience that was created by me, giving me a false sense of control. As you can imagine, this never facilitated any lasting comfort; actually it only created more pain and loneliness. It was the frantic need for perfection that played an integral role in slowly but surely eroding my heart and mind to the point where I finally broke in 2011 and 2012. But then, my journey toward releasing my perfectionism began…

Some of the first terrifying and intriguing questions that came were, “What if Iʻm not the best? What if Iʻm not different, or special? What if Iʻm just like everybody else?” So I removed myself from doing everything that I thought made me great, different and special, namely the entertainment business. I had to find out what would happen. After a lot of terror, panic, depression, revelations, and a period of spiritual elitism, i.e., “Oh now Iʻm special because I removed myself from everything that made me special,” I realized that I am just like everybody else and it is actually exactly that that makes me special; just as every one of us is equally special. Yes, the details of our lives differ, but we all feel the same fear, pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, jealousy, joy, enthusiasm, and love. Weʻre all looking for happiness the best way we know how, weʻre all making mistakes every single day and we all have infinite potential as our baseline. Weʻve all come to this earth to contribute something unique and valuable and what labels that contribution as important or not, large or small is but a judgement of limited perspective. 

So then the question was, “If I donʻt need to be different from or better than anyone, who or what am I trying to be perfect for?” 

I started experimenting with simply doing my best and accepting that my best would be different every day. And when my best really sucks, I try to be kind and forgiving with myself and keep moving forward. This has given me the space to experiment, to listen and learn, to collaborate, and to play. This has given me the capacity to lessen my judgement of myself and therefore lessen my judgement of others, which enables me to engage in deeper loving relationships with people. 

Perfect created walls in my life, blocked good or great ideas from flowing through me and prevented relationships from growing or even existing. Elizabeth Gilbert said, “Perfect is the enemy of good.” I also say that perfect is the enemy of fun. And I want to have fun, donʻt you? 

The following quotes are from John Steinbeck and Elizabeth Gilbert, respectively.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” 

“Now that you don’t have to be good, you can be free.”

Love, Wade Robson.

BOOKS THAT HAVE CARRIED ME, PART I

Dear readers, below is a list of some of the books that have inspired, challenged, changed, motivated and saved me. Click the titles to be linked to the books on Amazon. Happy reading!

A New Earth: Awakening to your Lifeʻs Purpose

It is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. I usually read it once a year.  

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

An absolute paradigm shift. A desperately needed one. 

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

I find Brené Brownʻs communication style to be incredibly grounded, raw, funny, honest and relatable. Because of which, what she says resonates effortlessly, deeply and truly sustains its potency over time.  

When Things Fall Apart

Early on in my first nervous breakdown, I went to the bookstore in search of help. I looked on the shelf and the first title I saw was, “When things fall apart.”  “Thatʻll do,” I said to myself. What a life-saving gift this book was and continues to be along with all of Pema Chodronʻs teachings. Pema makes Buddhist philosophies so relatable and the practices so practical. Whenever life feels like the title, I HIGHLY recommend picking this one up. I am not and you do not need to be a Buddhist to reap the benefits of this heart advice. 

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

This book played an enormous role in my being able to allow dance back into my heart, mind and body after five years. Each successive paragraph takes another hook out of us that is holding us back from making the art that wants nothing more than to manifest through each and every one of us. Itʻs playful, humorous, raw, honest, simply profound and bombastically motivational. It helps to re-educate us to have fun! Itʻs a once-a-year read for me too. 

Zen Mind, Beginnerʻs Mind: Informal Talks on Zen Meditation and Practice

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.” The wisdom in this one quote speaks to the infinite power of this book. 

The Alchemist

Beautiful, inspiring, motivational and simplistically profound. A fantastic story filled with infinite wisdom. 

The Essential Rumi

Each page, each line is like pouring a warm soothing balm on a sensitive wound. The relevance of these 13th-century thoughts and words for our lives today is absolutely remarkable. The poetry is dripping with beauty. 

The Essential Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson

Page after page, the wisdom, beauty, honesty, and knowledge makes me weak and therefore, makes me strong. Absolutely glorious. 

The Tao of Emerson: The Wisdom of the Tao Te Ching as Found in the Words of Ralph Waldo Emerson

Experiencing the divine creative intelligence in both the Tao Te Ching and the thoughts of Ralph Waldo Emerson simultaneously and in complement is an unparalleled experience. This is a book I go back to again and again. Open to any page, and that will be the page you need, today. 

Autobiography of a Yogi (Self-Realization Fellowship)

To witness the devotion to the divine inside of this manʻs incredible life story never ceases to humble and inspire me. 

Conversations with God: Book 1

After years of spiritual confusion, irritation, fear and even apathy, this was the first spiritual book that ever drew me to it. It was my first entrance into what has become one of the greatest adventures of my life thus far; the revelation of my personal relationship with the divine. After this, I devoured the entire series. 

Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse

An absolute life saver. 

Love, Wade Robson.

TO THOSE WHO HATE ME

To those who hate me…

“F**k you! Die! Liar! Coward! Parasite! Traitor! Wait till we catch you in the streets. May god have mercy on your rotten soul. Watch your back. Youʻre gonna burn in hell!”

The above are some of the many feelings and thoughts, in defense of Michael Jackson, that you have written to me via social media and email over the last 5 years. Depending upon the state that I am in, sometimes they roll off my back, sometimes they hurt, sometimes they make me angry, and sometimes they make me laugh; but they always make me present. 

Here is what I believe you believe: 
Michael Jackson was my idol as a child and I was lucky enough to have the privilege of meeting him. He became my friend and took me under his wing. He loved me, cared for me, taught me, and helped me tremendously in my life and entertainment business career. I lovingly and vehemently defended Michaelʻs innocence as a child sexual abuser in court multiple times, denying that he had EVER done anything inappropriate to me and that he would ever do that to any other child. I sang his praises and defended his innocence in hundreds of interviews over the years. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I completely changed my story and said that Michael Jackson sexually abused me for several years and caused me psychological, emotional and physiological pain. I then sued his estate and entities for money. From your perspective, what really happened was that my career and life fell apart, I ran out of money and since Michael was already dead, I decided to betray the man who had given me the world, and fabricate an elaborate lie about him; all for the sake of money and fame. 

If something along those lines is what you believe to be true, I understand why you hate me.

If you have any interest in entertaining the entire story, I invite you to click and read the following links. 
Link 1 - Link 2 - Link 3

Often, we humans only believe in the truth we want to believe in; we tend to see what we want to see. I understand the resistance or complete unwillingness to see someone who we idolize and adore, someone who has given and taught us so much, someone who is so positively intertwined in the fabric of our lives, in a negative light. It can feel as though, if we were to see and acknowledge that darkness in them, we would have to re-write our own life story, re-design our entire belief system and that is often too overwhelming and painful of an idea to even entertain for a moment. Instead, often we choose not to believe or look the other way and demonize the one who is challenging our long-held beliefs because that is easier than having to re-examine all that we think we know to be true. Before I was able to deal with and process the truth of my story, I and my family felt this way in regard to Michael Jackson. 

This is a most understandable human phenomenon when the person we are defending is someone that we actually knew personally; someone that was physically and emotionally a real part of our lives. But an impenetrable and violent resistance to an alternate or expanded view of someone becomes troubling when we actually never knew that someone personally, at all. When we were not actually a physical part of each other’s lives. When we most likely never even met them. When our only interaction with that person was that of a fan, idolizing their creative talent from afar and believing with all of our heart that we know who they were based purely upon the image and persona that they and the massive marketing machine behind them designed and distributed to us for the sake of selling us music, merchandise and tickets. This is not a real relationship with someone whereby we have some capability of making an authoritative assessment as to who they truly were. Yet many of you who have and continue to send me angry, ugly, hateful, violent comments and threats are doing just that; making an assessment as to who Michael Jackson truly was, even though you did not know him and most likely never even met him. And then defending Michael, that someone whom you did not know, against another person whom you do not know, me. 

Those who hate me, I do not need for you to believe, validate or support me. I am not trying to persuade you to take my side or ask you to stop believing and saying the things that you do. What Iʻm curious about is what it is inside of you and many of us that makes us take such violent actions and use such hateful words in order to defend what we "believe" to be true. 

In my personal experience, sometimes when we are angry, we are actually angry with ourselves and when we hate, itʻs because, at least to some degree, we hate something about ourselves.

Those who hate me, I honestly wish you peace and fulfillment. I wish you physical, mental and emotional health. I wish you love. I send you love. 

Wade Robson.

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STRESS

I travel around the country and several international cities teaching dance to at least a thousand people at each stop, most of them children. In my classes, I talk about my story of external success and internal failure and all of the pressure and stress that came along with that. I talk about my fruitless search for happiness and fulfillment via my external achievements. About how I was educated out of play and learned to be devastatingly serious. And how all of this led to complete nervous breakdowns and the (temporary) destruction of my relationship with my gifts. I also try to facilitate an experience that fosters introspection, self-care and most of all PLAY. Without fail, in the midst of or by the end of each class, many people from ages 10 to 50 are in tears. They have just had FUN and it has seemingly triggered a reminder or revelation about how stressed and unhappy they actually are. As was the case for me, often dance, this thing that used to be for them purely a source of joy, has now also become a source of stress and pain. What happened along the way? 

Of course, the exact details of peopleʻs stories differ, but the commonalities far outweigh the differences. For many of us, there was a time, as children, maybe even as teenagers when we felt enraptured by wonder, inspiration, passion, experimentation and play. And then, over time, somethings and/or someones implanted the messages in us that it was time to focus, get serious, busy, stressed, impressive and successful. We learned that, “Life is survival of the fittest,” and wonder, inspiration, experimentation and play are frivolous, unproductive and childish behaviors that DO NOT lead to WINNING in life. 

From my personal experience and what I have seen, as a society, we seem to be implanting these messages in people at a younger and younger age and the effect is heartbreaking. Often from the seemingly benevolent intention of wanting our children to have a “successful” life, we tend to fill their young lives with incessant activities and grand expectations all designed to “improve” them and give them the upper hand on the so-called “competition.” Through this indoctrination our children learn things like, “If Iʻm not busy and stressed, Iʻm lazy and unworthy,” “If Iʻm not the best, Iʻm nobody at all,” and “Never be satisfied, always strive for more.” Not much room for wonder, inspiration, experimentation, and play in there and therefore, I believe, not much room for happiness and fulfillment.  

Please do not misunderstand me: I am all for self-improvement, focus and hard work when appropriate and/or initiated by inspiration and passion; but when these behaviors become commandments for the sake of achieving self-worth rather than tools to help one move in the direction of their inspiration and joy, one can, so to speak, gain the whole world and lose their soul. When our children learn to always be busy and stressed, they learn to miss the universal guidance and inspiration that is all around us, all the time. If we canʻt be still and quiet, we canʻt listen, hear or understand ourselves, others and life. Without understanding, weʻre lost, scared, sad, angry and often violent towards ourselves and others.

Amidst our last breath, “I wish I would have worked harder, made more money, won more awards, bought more stuff, spent less time with family and friends and had less fun,” said no heart ever. I believe all of this struggle and competition is but a story that we humans have made up and bought into. I donʻt believe we want this for our children, but hereʻs the thing, we canʻt give anyone what we do not have. So first, we must question, where do these beliefs come from in ourselves? Did WE CHOOSE them? What is it in our own hearts, minds and lives that we are trying to fix by attempting to make ourselves and/or our children so externally perfect and successful? Why are we so afraid to be still and quiet from time to time? What are we running from with all of our busyness? When was it that we started to believe that we act in order to be worthy, rather than knowing that we are worthy and then we act? 

I canʻt help but imagine what humanity and the world would be like if we truly believed and taught our children something along the lines of, “You are worthy of love and belonging no matter what you do. You came to this earth to contribute many beautiful things and only you can find out what those things are. Follow what truly excites your heart and when the time is right, you will find your dynamic purpose. Once you have found it, learn to do it to the best of your ability. Then, look to see how you can give and the receiving part will work itself out. Along the way, be kind to yourself and to others and remember…have fun!” 

These are but opinions and questions based on my personal experience. If any of them resonate with you, maybe try them on for size and journey towards your own truth. 

Wishing you all health, love and the revelation of your fulfillment.

Love, Wade Robson. 

F.E.A.R.

Almost immediately after Michael Jackson started sexually abusing me at seven years old, he proceeded to warn me that if anyone were to ever find out what “we” were doing, he and I would go to jail for the rest of our lives. He then continued to explain to me that we loved each other and that this (sexual interaction) is how we show each other our love. But that people were ignorant, would not understand and would destroy us. "LOVE"/FEAR, done deal for me; I was never going to tell a soul, ever. 

In 1993, when I was 11 years old, Michael Jackson was accused of child sexual abuse by Jordan Chandler. It was a civil suit that ignited a criminal investigation. Being that I was one of Michael Jacksonʻs little boy “friends,” I also became wrapped up in the investigation. The way I first learned about it was one day out of the blue, two police officers knocked on our door. They sat me on our staircase and interrogated me as to whether Michael Jackson had ever done anything sexual to me. Michaelʻs words kept ringing in my head, if anyone were to ever find out what “we” were doing, he and I would go to jail for the rest of our lives. Feeling like a criminal, terrified inside, but stoic and determined outside, I did the only thing I felt I could do to protect myself and Michael, whom I loved immensely; I lied to the police.

Amidst the same investigation, I was called to testify before a grand jury. Thinking it would be too frightening for me, my Mother wouldnʻt allow it, so Judge Lance Ito (of OJ Simpson fame) charged me with contempt of court. They placed me with a Juvenile Corrections Officer who told me I could go to jail for not complying with the court’s wishes. Michaelʻs words were coming true I thought and the fear was crippling. Eventually, a deal was struck for me to testify privately in a conference room. 

That deposition at 11 years old was several hours of being grilled by California district attorneys determined to prove Michael Jacksonʻs guilt. Leading up to it, I received daily calls from Michael where he repeatedly rehearsed mock interrogations with me, training me to lie and be a soldier for his defense. There is absolutely no doubt that I was scared going into that deposition, but by that point I had learned by both direct training from and modeling of Michael Jackson exactly how to numb and compartmentalize my feelings to enable me to put on the show I needed to for the sake of  “both” of our survival. My Lawyer, paid for by Michael Jackson, said of me to my Mother after the deposition, “Iʻve never seen anything like it. Wade had them eating out of the palm of his hand.” Well, I was unfortunately trained by one of the best. 

Michael Jackson implanted into me from the very beginning beliefs such as, “Be the best or nothing at all. Study the greats and become greater. Rule the world. Immortalize yourself.” As I began my adult career at nine years old, these were my directives. This ruled out any room for mistakes, experimentation, playfulness, or genuine collaboration. Therefore, over the years, the bulk of my Choreography, Stage Direction, Film Direction, Song Writing and Producing experiences were motivated most notably by one thing, FEAR of not being the BEST. By the grace of the universe, I still managed to somehow manifest some good art at times, but the experience of getting there was most often extremely painful. 

In about 2003, Michael Jackson was accused yet again of child sexual abuse and by 2005 it had graduated to a criminal trial. My wife Amanda and I were about to get married, had sold our home and were moving into a new home in a new area; starting a whole new chapter. The phone calls and training sessions from Michael increased tenfold, just like they did during the 1993 investigation. I finally worked up the courage to tell Michael that I didnʻt want to testify this time. I told him that I was starting a new life with Amanda and I didnʻt want to go through all the madness with the media again. He acted as though he understood. The next week I received a subpoena to testify. The incessant training phone calls continued from Michael. Then, the day for me to testify arrived. There I was in the courtroom, on the witness stand, sitting across from Michael Jackson, my idol, mentor and friend, who was on trial for child sexual abuse. If Michael were to go to jail, I knew in my heart that he would die in there, and I was going to do my best to make sure that didnʻt happen. I never forgot what occurred sexually between Michael and me when I was a child, but I swore that he and I alone would go to the grave with that memory. I was petrified that if I was to tell the truth about what happened, I would lose my career, my soon-to-be wife, Amanda, my friends, you name it. As far as I understood at the time, I was fine with what happened between Michael and me and therefore the consequences for Michael and me, if I were to tell the truth, were not worth it. Fear-soaked inside, externally cool and determined, I lied. I understand now that I was also drenched in shame about what happened sexually between Michael and me and felt that I was complicit in his crime. 

From my early teens on, social interaction became more and more challenging for me. I was increasingly horrified of not being impressive, intriguing, smart or worthy enough. I avoided social interaction as much as possible, especially when the playing field was, as perceived by me, even or placed me at a disadvantage. I was much more comfortable when in a position of power, i.e., when I was working, when I was the Choreographer, the Director, the Music Producer, the boss. In positions such as these, it felt much easier to keep up appearances. The deep-seated fear I was always running from was that I was a fraud and that if I was not careful, someday, somebody was going to find me out.  I have learned over the last five years of therapy and introspection that this core fear, which permeated all aspects of my life, had a lot to do with the hiding of Michaelʻs sexual abuse, my having to lie to the law, the media, my family and everybody about it over the years. Amidst most social interactions, I felt like I was on the witness stand again, trying to stay 10 steps ahead of the adult lawyers (authority figures) and make sure that they never found out the truth about me. This was painful and exhausting and therefore seemingly easier to avoid as much social interaction as possible.  

In 2011, about 5 months after our son was born, in the midst of pre-production on my first Hollywood feature film as a Director, I experienced my first full-blown nervous breakdown. Stress, anxiety, fear, and insomnia took me over completely and I had to remove myself from the film. This action only increased all of the above symptoms and I became almost completely incapable of functioning. The deep fear of inadequacy had now elevated into a feeling of complete life failure. Everything I had been working so hard for had crumbled and I no longer saw any purpose in anything except, thank God, my wife Amanda and our son. I engaged in a small amount of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, focused on intellectually working with my fears, which enabled me to zip myself up and get back to work, hard. 

In 2012, it all came back, and again, I crumbled; nervous breakdown #2. This time, I started practicing Yoga daily, I came upon an insight-oriented therapist who, unbeknownst to me, practiced E. M. D. R.  and Somatic Experiencing therapeutic techniques and after about three weeks of seeing him, I disclosed to him for the first time in my life that Michael Jackson had sexually abused me for seven years. From this point on, EVERYTHING changed.

Emotional, mental, physiological and spiritual healing became the main focus of my life. I found a life-changing daily practice of Vedic Meditation and the profundity of Vedic knowledge. I left the entertainment business and Amanda, our Son and I moved to Hawaiʻi. Iʻve continued to seek and find spiritual teachers who have been of immeasurable value and most recently, dance has found its way back into my heart and body and we are currently experiencing a romance, the likes of which I have never known. 

My experiments with FEAR continue and I have learned and experienced that FEAR is actually one of my greatest teachers. 

Pema Chodron has taught me to “Stay” and “Lean into the discomfort.” That fear has power over me to the degree that I allow it to make me run in the other direction. But that the fear eases and is ultimately rendered an illusion to the degree that I am able to look at it and sit with it, rather than run from it. It contains infinite wisdom. 

Brené Brown has taught me about the transformative power of vulnerability and how it is the cornerstone of creativity and innovation. And that bravery is not the absence of fear; Bravery is when you’re terrified out of your mind and you go anyway. 

Eckhart Tolle has taught me that, “The universe will give you whichever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.”

Elizabeth Gilbert has taught me that, “Perfect is the enemy of good.” 

Joseph Campbell has taught me that, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”

Thom Knoles, Paulo Coelho and experience have now taught me that the result of tuning into a true desire and leaping into the dark abyss of the unknown is complete support from the universe. 

Finally, my wife Amanda, our Son, my family and my friends have shown me through it all, that LOVE is infinitely more powerful than FEAR. 

And because I gratefully stand on the shoulders of giants, FEAR now plays a tremendously smaller role in my life. 

F-alse 

E-vidence

A-ppearing

R-eal

I wish you the courage to look and sit with your own fear. To get to know it and to begin to stop feeding it. As Pema Chodron said, “Without knowing the nature of fear, one can never know fearlessness.” 

The only way is through. 

Love, Wade Robson. 

LISTEN

“Never miss a grand opportunity to shut your mouth.” -Thom Knoles

Have you ever had the following experience? You have something that you really need to talk about with someone you trust. Maybe it requires you to be quite vulnerable in order to talk about this painful, scary and/or exciting thing. Yet when you finally work up the courage to talk about it, you find that your friend, family member or mentor keeps interrupting you to give you their take on what ACTUALLY or SHOULD have happened, or what you are ACTUALLY or SHOULD be feeling or thinking, and what you SHOULD do about it all. 

Then maybe you feel a bit defensive and your walls start to go back up. You thought you were going to feel better once you talked about it with someone you trust, but now you just feel more confused, angry, or sad. You then maybe decide youʻre not going to talk about that painful, scary, and/or exciting thing anymore.

Maybe you didn’t actually want their opinion or advice. Maybe what you wanted was their presence, their ear, their understanding, their resonance, and maybe their confirmation that they love you and are here for you, no matter what. How often are you in conversations where either you and/or the other person is not really listening at all, but just waiting to talk? In my experience, itʻs exhausting and neither of you actually gain anything positive from the interaction. Thatʻs because itʻs not actually a commun(e)-ication; youʻre both just talking AT each other. I have been on both sides of this experience many times. 

I remember when I first began to reach out to close friends and family members to talk about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child, which I had kept a secret for 22 years. In some interactions, the friend or family member, out of absolutely benevolent intentions, would offer up unsolicited hypotheses and advice on my experience, often before I had even finished telling the story. I found that especially when hearing about uncomfortable and painful experiences, thoughts or emotions, the other person, out of both their wish for me to feel better and their own discomfort, would try to "fix" me as soon as possible. They truly thought that they were helping, but in my experience, unless opinion and advice are explicitly asked for, it almost never helps and often hinders. 

I realized how much I longed for the other person I trusted to do nothing but quietly, patiently, and actively LISTEN; that is all. I am infinitely grateful that that has been the bulk of my experience in talking to people I love and trust about vulnerable subject matters.

The place where I truly began to understand the power of and hone my skills as a listener is the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse support group I facilitate and participate in. The hallmark of The Morris Center’s ASCA group format is voluntary 5 to 15-minute individual shares where the rest of the group silently, actively listen. In some instances, the individual who shared can decide if he or she wants supportive feedback from the group and if so, then chooses who can give supportive feedback to them from amongst those who raise their hands. The supportive feedback is only allowed to be of a supportive nature; no advice, contrary opinions, or self-centered feedback are allowed. The emotional power and transformative nature of someone being able to talk about their most vulnerable thoughts, feelings and actions, in a space where no one interrupts, offers them other opinions, or advice but rather relates or is neutral, for even just five minutes, is something to behold. With consistency, the support group participantʻs emotional, intellectual and life evolution is profound and exponential. 

My practice for the last 8 years has been to TRY MY BEST to listen deeply when people have chosen to talk to me about something important to them and to not offer any opinions or advice unless explicitly asked for; to simply relate and offer support however I can. I find that the results are quite astounding for both participants.

As the receiver of the deep listening, without the noise of others’ unsolicited opinions and advice, we slowly gain confidence in our own inner wisdom, our intuition, and our relationship with source. Weʻre able to pay better attention to the universal guidance that is all around us, all the time. 

As the listener, I believe it allows us to relate deeply with the person sharing, making us feel more connected to them and humanity at large. We learn patience, empathy, compassion and receive profound wisdom from the person sharing. 

In turn, the receiver of our deep listening wants nothing but to return the favor. Win/Win.

Love, Wade.

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FATHER FIGURE

It was the last week of July 2002 and I was working late in a recording studio in Hollywood. As I was leaving, I saw that I had several missed calls from my Mother. My stomach dropped and a voice in my head said, “Dad.” I called my Mother back and buried in tears she told me that my Father had taken his life. That was a long drive home. 

My earliest memories of Dad are of him working hard at his and my Motherʻs fruit and vegetable shops, his shorts and knee-high socks, mowing the lawn on his ride-on tractor, his big laugh, his stammer, his playfulness, his stress, telling jokes, playing loud music and dancing, dancing, dancing. Technically he was not a “good” dancer but it didnʻt matter because when he was dancing he was so alive; he loved it. 

At five years old, my dance life began to take off and being that my Mother was also my chaperone, manager, and driver, most of my time was spent with her. Dad seemed to be slowly moving into the background of my life. I was absolutely obsessed with Michael Jackson and when I was five years old, I won a dance contest and the prize was to meet him. This encounter only exacerbated my idolization. When I was seven years old, I met Michael Jackson again. This meeting was the beginning of a 19-year “friendship” commencing with 7 years of Michael sexually abusing me. Early on, I remember Michael telling me that I could call him Dad. My heart jumped at the chance; I began to and in return he would call me, “Son.” This made me feel incredibly special.

Within a year my Father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My memories of this are abstract; Dad seemingly floating further and further into the background of my life. I was so focused on Michael that I noticed Dad less and less. My Mother and I decided that we wanted to move to Los Angeles, California for the sake of my career in the entertainment business and to be closer to Michael. Just before we left, Dad pulled me aside in the kitchen and said to me several times in repetition, “There is nothing you have to do.” I had no idea what he was talking about. Mom, my sister and I packed up six suitcases and moved halfway across the world. 

Dadʻs mental and emotional health continuously declined. Weʻd talk on the phone every now and then; mostly, I remember just trying to get it over with. Dad and I would see each other about every two years; some of the experiences were okay, some were challenging, depending upon his mental and emotional state. Often, I felt embarrassed of him. I couldnʻt understand his mental and emotional challenges; they confused me, scared me and I regretfully didnʻt want to deal with them or him. 

From about 10 to 20 years old, I had a string of friendships with older men, some more positive influences than others. I understand now that I was constantly looking for Father figures. 

When I was about 20 years old, I had a phone conversation with my Dad where he told me a few stories about some of the mentally ill people he supported and had friendships with in the community where he lived. The stories were heartbreaking and beautiful and I was intrigued to learn more about Dadʻs life. All of a sudden, I felt as though I now had the capacity to begin to develop an adult relationship with him. About six months later, Dad took his life.

I cried a lot that first night after receiving the news. I cried a lot at his funeral. After that, I didnʻt cry much more about him for the next 10 years. I came up with a tidy resolution for his death that satisfied my intellect and enabled me to stay numb. 

This was until my son was born in 2010 and my two nervous breakdowns came in 2011 and 2012. The second of which led to me disclosing for the first time in my life the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson. This opened up the floodgates of healing in every aspect of my life and Dad came rushing back in full color. I was faced with guilt, shame and sadness due to how I pulled away from him over the years, how I called Michael “Dad,” how I was too busy to talk so many times, and how I couldnʻt seem to bring myself to care enough to try and understand him while he was alive. Now that I was a Father myself, I wept numerous times, as I could now imagine how he felt as his little boy, little girl and the woman he loved walked out the door and moved to the other side of the world. From one of Dadʻs sisters, I found out that the idea that I may have been sexually abused by Michael Jackson caused Dad a lot of anxiety, guilt and depression over the years. I also found out that he too was sexually abused as a child by a family member. From what I understand, he told very few people about it and never engaged in any notable healing from that trauma. 

Dadʻs spiritual guidance has deeply permeated the last 5 1/2 years and I feel closer to him now than ever before. That phrase that he said to me before we left for America came floating back to me in therapy, “There is nothing you have to do.” These words became a mantra and played an instrumental role in my having the courage to redesign my life. 

As a Father figure, Michael Jackson taught me about dance, music, film, hard work, visualization, study, busyness, external giving, external achievement and validation, lying, numbing, not trusting people, child sexual abuse, and conditional love intertwined with abuse. 

As a Father, my Dad is still teaching me about play, pain, unconditional love, forgiveness, dedication, laughter, life eternal and dancing (literally and figuratively) with abandon, and joy. 

As a Father, by example, I strive to teach my son about unconditional love, play, surrender, passion, frictionless effort, kindness to oneself and others, patience, discipline, relaxation, spontaneity, friendship, and listening.

I know that at least my Mother (because she told me) and I didnʻt appreciate Dad while he was here with us on earth. We missed out on the opportunity to truly show him how beautiful, special and kind we thought he was and how much we loved him. If possible, donʻt make the same mistake with the people you love. If you feel it, tell and show them why and how much you love them, now. Donʻt wait for an opportunity that may never come. 

Love, Wade Robson.

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